i'm not usain bolt

Where do you start?
Life feels like a muddled, jumbled, crazy, crazy, beautiful mess. I'm already more than halfway through "my year" here. What the heck?

So, so much happens, but I see it as "normal" or "mundane" and therefore never take the time to recount or rethink through it all. The fact is nothing is mundane or normal — even when I might be fully convinced it is.  For instance, I leave the Nest for like two weeks to process visa stuff and hang/backpack with my family then suddenly there are new directors, two of my good friends are here with me, and one of the Jake's boys has been removed from the Nest. What in the world? Two weeks.

Today me and the guys napped (mostly because we stayed up till 3 A.M talking about struggles, girls, and Jesus), ate spaghetti, played with the Jake's House boys and their new Star Wars figurines, competed in some non-competitive ping pong, drove the golf cart full of boys down the hill, swam, wrestled, and broke up fights in the pool. Then we all watched the Fox and the Hound and prayed with the boys.

I can also drive here now.  It's cool. Today I found my way through weird, tiny, city streets to pick up kids from the doctor. I was honestly more proud of myself than I should have been but hey, I love driving. This past Saturday I drove the Jake's House boys down to the river in the truck (it's a manual ladies) and I honestly think I may have finally figured the truck out. (kinda) I know there's a couple people reading this and laughing at me, but chill. This is a big deal to me.

The more time I spend around the boys — playing soccer, praying, laughing, hugging, teasing,  pulling bricks out of their angry hands when they are trying to kill each other, and even crying, the more I fall in love.

I hate that I didn't even get to say goodbye to the boy who left. I hate that I can't even write his name in this post. The things that this boy was dealing with break my heart. And I didn't even know. I can't help but feel responsible in some small way for not realizing where he was at. All I know is that he needs Christ's love more than ever right now, but I cannot give it to him because he no longer lives at the Nest.

I don't have a "but" statement to add to that right now. I don't have the heart to say, "But God's plan is better!" at the moment. Even though I know that is the "right" answer, even though I know it to be true, I don't know how to say it right now.

Sometimes is that okay, God?


I want to see Fab and hug him.

I want to be good at yoga. Like real yoga.

I want to know how to write and speak French.

I want to serve at an AIDs home.

I want to look up at the crazy stars every night.

I want every young man battling porn to be freed.

I want to memorize the Bible more.

I want to live to see each of these boys fall in love with Jesus, be adopted, and maybe even get married.


I honestly and literally have no idea where or in which direction(s) my life will ever go in. Will I ever actually do these things? Where will God have me in 6 months? I have no clue. I hate it, yet I love it so, so much.