i'm not usain bolt

Its been a crazy couple of weeks, guys (I’m pretty sure almost every blog post will start with that sentence). So many things have happened since January 1st, and God is still so good. I'm going to try to summarize a few of the things that come to mind really quickly.

There was a team of engineers and smart people who worked on drilling for water a few weeks ago.

I tried to make fried eggs for the boys one morning and they were really bad.

The Bible Study with the Jake's boys has had a very slow startup.

One Sunday there were giant waves and the boys and I had fun playing in them.

I vomited two weeks ago but then I got better.

Because of my hair, I've been called a girl by about 30 kids.

I now like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches more than I thought I did.

The Jake's boys have had a couple of sleepovers in my room which were fun and also messy. 

I don't know.

How do you summarize a month's worth of work, play, highs, lows, ups, downs, God-sightings, stress, peace, sadness, or joy? 

How do you summarize a month's worth of life?

Look, I don’t really know what to write and I’m not saying that to be cliche or “artistic” or something. I’m serious. I actually don't know what the heck to write. Maybe its years of writing classes that tell me I need a clear and well-thought out thesis statement when the reality of life is that I'm not sure there always is. Maybe its my middle-class Western mindset telling me that unknowns and unfinished thoughts are not okay. I’ve tried like six times in the past couple weeks to begin pulling my thoughts together, and every time I just get stuck. Maybe I've been lazy, or maybe theres something else going on.

Something that God has shown me through this struggle is that I do not like to look deeply within myself. I am very comfortable with a semi-superficial, pretty basic, and surface-based approach to evaluating myself. At times, I find it extremely hard and very uncomfortable to step back, look deeper, and then evaluate how I have been living or the things inside my heart. When you are truly honest with yourself, sitting down and coming to terms with our own emotions, feelings, and thoughts is unsettling at times. I'm assuming that there are at least a few people who struggle with this the way I do. I think its easier to "be busy" and never really think twice about whats going on in your heart - whether it's good or bad. Here at the Nest, it is always easy to be busy. There is always something to do or work on, and because of that, I can easily fall into a pattern of going through weeks and weeks without sitting at the Lord's feet and listening. For that reason, sitting down and attempting to sift through the various emotions, experiences, and thoughts behind the past few weeks is something that, quite honestly, terrifies me. 

I am pretty comfortable with surface-type relationships, I like smiling, I like shaking hands, and I like calling people "bro" when I forget their name. And for many of those same reasons, writing a blog about my life or my deeper thoughts is just... weird. Yet it is in those circumstances when we are uncomfortable, when we are vulnerable, when we are open and real with people (and more importantly, God) that trust and relationships are formed. It is when people see the real us that we truly have a relationship. So this week I'm trying to be more open and real, sometimes even raw, about my struggles, my pain, my joys, and my daily walk with the Lord, and I would push you to do the same, wherever you are this week. 

So, all that being said, these past few weeks have been humbling. I have been made so aware of my own shortcomings, flaws, and inadequacies. Yet at the same time, I have been forced to trust and depend on Jesus for every moment of every day here. As Jake, I find myself constantly trying to pretend that I have something to bring to the Lord’s table, that I am in some way qualified or have something to offer or bargain with God. I literally try to pretend that God, the God of the Universe, needs me. Whether it is my passion for worship, my love for the kids, my attempts at carpentry or masonry, I oftentimes find myself striving to work my way to worth in God's eyes. This quickly creates this competition in my head where every morning, I am waking up to "prove myself" in a new way.

But that is not how His grace works. It works when we are broken, when we are helpless, when we are metaphorically and literally on our knees. Sometimes we fail. Yep, thats right. Fail, bomb, suck, backfire, fall through, collapse, botch, flop, and flunk. I gotta tell you, some Sundays, I get up to lead worship with the kids and it just tanks. I feel like I'm more of a hinderance to worship than a help. Sometimes I work for four hours building something and then it doesn't work or doesn't fit where it is supposed to. Sometimes I lose my temper, say stupid things, and one of the boys gets mad at me for awhile. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I am doing for the boys Bible Study. Sometimes I fall flat on my face. 

Sometimes sometimes is oftentimes.

Now before you begin thinking of ways to correct the grammar in that statement, realize that when we don't have enough, when we realize we are inadequate, it is SO easy to just hang your head and put your eyes on yourself and your failure. I know for myself, in these past few weeks, I've spent way too much time entertaining thoughts of failure, loneliness, and self-pity, instead of looking to His all-sufficient Grace! 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

II Corinthians 4:7

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthains 12:9-10

We're kind of supposed to be broken. Thats basically the point. If we had it all together, we wouldn't need Him every moment of every day. We must be in utter dependance on Him as soon as we wake up! I still have a very hard time with that. Even after six-plus years as a Christian, I still struggle with accepting this unearned and unmerited gift of Grace. I think it shows a deep -seated pride and an inability to fully let go and give it all to God. Yet it is such a crucial part of walking with Jesus. Paul put it this way, 

But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 

And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain.

I Corinthians 15:13-14

Paul is saying, "I have committed myself so fully to this grace, I have put all my eggs in Jesus’ basket, I am depending so much on Jesus and his resurrection that if none of this is real, everything I have done with my life is 100% in vain.” That's how committed and ultimately dependent Paul was on this Jesus. That's how dependent I want to be on Jesus. 

For the past week, I have been so overwhelmed with Romans 5:6

You see, at just the right time,

when we were still powerless,

Christ died for the ungodly.

I absolutely love the words used in this passage. In fact, read all of Romans 5 at some point this week. As we continue to talk about Grace, I find such joy in this passage. 

At just the right time,

At the exact moment, the absolute perfect-timing moment, Jesus stepped in. Not a moment too late or a moment too soon, at just the right time. 

when we were still powerless, 

How wonderful can this Grace be?! At just the right time, and when we were utterly unable to move even a finger, when we were completely paralyzed, when we had no hope, when all we had was spent, when there was nothing, absolutely nothing we could do, Jesus stepped in and He died for the ungodly. For me and for you. How beautiful is this Grace.

I have been reading a devotional called "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. One of the days in particular prompted me to think more on my busy day-to-day life here at the Nest. Chambers writes, 

Our difficulties, our trials, our worries about tomorrow will all vanish when we look to God. Wake yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter how many things seem to be pressing in on you, be determined to push them aside and look to Him. “Look to me . . . .” Salvation is yours the moment you look. 

"Turn to me and be saved, 

all you ends of the earth;

for I am God, and there is no other."

Isaiah 45:22

Look dudes, if you think that going to another country will magically and suddenly make you a better reflection of Jesus, or that sharing His love will be easier, I’m here to say — thats not the case. I still have days where I am very short-tempered, where I am tired, where I cry (yeah, that’s right), where I am lonely, where I am stopped by fear, on and on and on. But it is through His grace and His strength that I am finding all I need for each day. Even in the midst of some pretty rough stuff, the Prophet Jeremiah wrote this, 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:22-26

This passage is beautiful. The Lord's mercies are new every morning. He is faithful. His love is steadfast. These are promises that you and I can grab and take hold of.

The other morning, I woke up and I literally said, "Good morning grace." I felt like a complete fruitcake. But I knew, at five in the morning, I was not going to have enough for that day. That I was going to mess-up, going to fall, going to struggle. I also knew that there was and is Grace to cover that. Grace that is new every morning. He is faithful.